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Sunday, January 29, 2012

Another...novel?

Alas, The Captain has penned yet another novel that he expects me to read and edit! Luckily, it is less than 100 single-spaced pages, but it is quite terrible nonetheless. The Captain told me it's a story about a young man who is kidnapped and adopted into a very abusive family. There is also the Ku Klux Klan in this tome, but from what I have read so far, it does not seem as though The Captain did a whit of research into this hate group. I do fear how much worse it will get before I am finished. And although I have never entertained the idea of drinking, I do now.

It does not seem as if he has a set title for it either. He has been calling it The Vengeful Jackknife, The Furious Jackknife, The Angry Jackknife, The Malicious Jackknife, and even Les Jackknife de Rage. I know not how to refer to it, for when I slipped up and asked him when he wanted The Vengeful Jackknife edited by, he switched my hands and yelled, "It's called The Pissed Jackknife, damn you!"

Oh dear...


Mary Langford

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Bermuda Triangle Trials, Tryouts and Tribulations

Special note from Terrence Rathbone: Once again, Just as I thought things might be beginning to proceed just a bit more normally, it all went haywire. We had escaped from an extended stay on Blood Island only to land in the Bermuda Triangle by way of yet another of the Captain's horrible schemes!

One of the many playbills the Captain had designed for "World on Fire"
The Captain, dead set on having his work "World on Fire" performed live on a stage, went on a wild hunt to find a cast and crew that was willing to work on his questionable materialHe had great problems finding anyone who would take him seriously. He ended up having to Shanghai several actors and a director and of course took us all somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle for the last seven years! Imagine these poor actors, forced to rehearse day after day (for seven years), one of the Captains odious epic theatrical train wrecks!


But of course the Captain does have a time machine, and so here we are only seven months from whence we left Blood Island, and wandered into the Bermuda Triangle, yet it was seven years of being tortured by the cruel winds set upon us by Captain and his demented muse! Yes we are back, back just in time for the date he had booked for the theatrical premier of "World on Fire". He is back with a vengeance. His play, true to its name, lit a fire in the Captain and he is madder than he ever was, I'd swear.


And he's taken to liking the drink when he is "producing" his "master work"! YES...THE CAPTAIN IS BACK...back with the bad poetry, the bad temper, a big time machine and barrels o' rum.


Lord, help us all!
Terrence L. Rathbone

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

And thus we have left the Bermuda Triangle

Or at least that is where The Captain says we have been stranded the past couple of months. Though The Captain seems strangely happy. It seems that he has finished 'Daggers of Anger', as well as 'The Men of Montgomery', both of which he wants me to edit. I know not how to go about editing his novels when he did not appreciate how I viewed 'Diamond Underground'. Along with all of this, he claims that he has made a debut of sorts. What kind of debt, I do not know, though Tolbert and The Captain's daughter, Cecelia have been acting strange. Or so I have heard hereabouts.

On the other hand...I know not what is put in the food The Captain brings me, but it does give my skin a rather healthy glow. Oh, and my hair, too, looks simply lustrous.

Mary Langford

"The Rooster" by The Captain

"Wild Thing" by The Captain

"Adultery" by The Captain

Sunday, August 14, 2011

What in heaven's name have I been reading?

None of these poems make a lick of sense, but I have not been able to critique them to The Captain's perfection. Instead, I have been working on cleaning my mirror and I must say, I don't look half bad. Not half bad at all. The Captain brought us all pancakes for breakfast and I am certain that eating something besides haggis is what put the rosy glow on my cheeks.


Mary Langford

"Alfred Hitchcock" by The Captain


Thursday, July 21, 2011

"Adam Cartwright" by The Captain

"Hoss" by The Captain

"The Cartwright Brothers!" by The Captain

Blood Island Fiasco: Back from the Edge of Oblivion

Special note from Terrence L. Rathbone: For months we have been trapped, vacationing, stranded, imprisoned, experimented upon, and bewildered - depending upon one's point of view.

The Captain worked with witchdoctors on stablilizing Ponce de Leon's formula for the "Fountain of Youth" (which he had taken the liberty of introducing into our food at an earlier dinner party.) Before long into our stay on the island, some of us became ill; some even turned green and started to look like living zombies. We were all made the "honored guests" (quarantined) by the sinister Ministry of Tourism.

 The Captain seemed to view this as an exotic vacation resort, but most of us knew we were simply trapped on this God forsaken Island. It felt like months had gone by. Many had begun to give up hope they would ever leave that place.

Mary Langford had been the first taken and worst effected by the potions negative side effects.         She awoke one day with her face looking like that of an 80 year old woman. After fainting, she was the first to be experimented upon. The Captain worked with the Witch Doctors day after day, and finally one of their concoctions seemed to have cured her. With that, we were all given an injection of the antidote for the unstable effects (of Ponce de Leon's less than perfect formula) followed by (for all save for myself) a memory erasing drug.

This drug derived from local berries, combined with voodoo hypnotism, wiped out every memory of what had happened on the Island.
 I alone was allowed to retain those memories. Someone has to maintain continuity for The Captain's madness across space and time. I may one day tell these stories in greater detail, but for now it might shatter the minds  of some of the gentler souls amongst the the crew and captives held upon the S.S. Diamondback, which was finally back on the high seas. The Captain needs someone to document and maintain some order in his fantastically bizarre world, and I have become that victim, I suppose.

And for now, it seems the entire crew has regained their health. They have been well fed and the ships larders are stocked with wonderful foods from the Island. they are free from the Minister of Tourism's clutches, free from the oppressive heat, free from the experimentation, and free from the the giant insects and spiders that infested the place. In fact they are free from any memory of having ever even left the ship.  They woke up today, with no memory of any of these events.

I, however... remember clearly.
There are some things we would choose to forget, if only we could.
Terrence L. Rathbone

Monday, July 18, 2011

"Cowboy Warlocks (Yargh!)" by The Captain

Oh my...dear me...

The Captain says we are going through a bit of trouble - a massive heatwave! However this is possible when we are at sea, I know not. All I know is that I am locked in this stifling cabin, perspiring profusely, and that my expertly-applied make-up job is melting off my face. I do not feel very pretty when I look like this, but what else can I do?

Just edit The Captain's poetry, I suppose...


Mary Langford

Sunday, July 17, 2011

"Pocahontas" by The Captain

Disney Movies? Oh my...

The Captain has decided on a special treat. That is, he is to do a special screening just for me, of Disney movies. I had never heard of a 'Disney' movie before, but I am quite impressed that this is what has become of the film I saw a long time ago about people getting off a train. The Lumiere Brothers, I believe, and I had not seen much of a film since, unless you count that dreadful vampire movie that The Captain forced us to watch so long ago. Dear me...how long has it been since that vampire movie? I am so confused by the time. So much has passed that I have been unable to keep track of it! Oh dear...

"But why are we watching these movies? I don't understand," I said when The Captain showed the last one, a lovely little picture about Snow White.

The Captain sighed. "Because I have written a whole slew of new poems for you, my dear, and these movies will better help you understand my prowess."

Indeed. There is a new stack of poems for me to edit. And I know not how much time I will have this time to get through them all. I just have to remember to say only nice things to The Captain in fear of my life. And my beautiful new face and figure...


Mary Langford

Friday, July 15, 2011

Oh My Stars!!!

The Captain has gone on so long of a trip (I know not why) that I thought he has all but forgotten to give me poems to edit. But alas, it seems that he has been in the throes of writing more. Yes, more! Which means I am now to be confined even more to my cabin. And just when I've been holding out hope that I may one day be set free...

At least he gave me a trunkful of new clothes, though. And a new mirror, to replace the one he splashed ink all over. Such things give me hope.


Mary Langford

"Lorne Greene (A Sober Musing)" by The Captain

"Roberts Blossom" by The Captain



"666" by The Captain



"Harry Potter" by The Captain



Saturday, March 26, 2011

Deja View - Blood Island

Special note from Terrence L. Rathbone
Well, this is an interesting development! It seems the Captain has decided he had better apprise me of an unfortunate miscalculation with Witch Doctors.
I was pulled out first, taken aside by the Captain and told the whole disconcerting story. The Captain confessed that he had slipped us all what he thought was Ponce De Leon's elixer of eternal youth which was unfortunately not entirely stable. We had all attributed our perky disposition and more "tuned up" appearance to the influx of good food after a long haul of nothing but Haggis rehash. We'd wake up feeling exuberant and refreshed, wonder where the Captain was, and go on about enjoying the time without him there making us do his bidding and editing his terrible poetry.

That's where the fun stops. The Captain has the entire crew running in a twenty four hour time loop to prevent the elixer from becoming unstable in them. In the meantime he would pop out the occasional poem and has been otherwise engaged using the small time machine to flit about attempting to find a Witch Doctor with the right potion to stabilize Ponce DeLeon's Water of Eternal Youth.

The Captain began to describe the possibilities of what might occur if he cannot find the right medicine. So of course he has hastened to incorporate me into his plot and expects me to help him clean up a very abnormal predicament.

 In order to save EVERYONE on this ship from an uncertain fate we must go to Blood Island to cut a deal with Witch Doctors that the Captain may or may not have cheated at one point!


I hope they will give us the appropriate antidote before we all wither and die of premature old age, age in reverse until we are back in diapers, turn into a terrible monster, or dissolve into puddles of human goo (just a few of the more pleasant reactions that were possible if the formula is not found in time) .
 OK then, time to break the crew from their DejaVu. I am positive everyone will be absolutely thrilled to be awoken from their endless Ground Hogs Day rerun only to find that our destination is some remote jungle on Blood Island.

Why can't these places ever be called something nice...like..
Pancake Island or something.
But just ahead I can view the island. It is ominously pancake free.

Terrence L. Rathbone

"Elizabeth Taylor" by The Captain

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"Never Say Never" by The Captain

HAPPY Birthday Justin Bieber!
Happy What the F&%#...Charlie Sheen 
=
WINNING!