Howdy, folks! None of you know who I am, but I shall present you the best (?) of The Captain's hidden trove of fanfiction. Yes, fanfiction! It seems our friend has become entranced with pop culture at large and has decided to become a part of it! From Winnie the Pooh to Bonanza to David Bowie - nothing is safe! Included are his wondrous drawings which have (until I got my hands on them) stayed hidden from the outside world.
What The Captain doesn't know shouldn't hurt him...though if he does know, he might hurt me!
Ha!
Anchors Aweigh!
(Yes, Folks, Gene Kelley and Dean Stockwell will hoof their way into his fanfiction as well)
~
A Tale of Many, Many, Many Hearts
Hello, my name is Asher Sagerock and I answered a prophecy last week to bring order to the universe. He-Man gave me a magical sword. After all, some of my planned trips include Middle Earth and I don’t want to get eaten by an orc because that would be awful. So I took the magical sword and walked with He-Man to the edge of a very gorgeous forest.
Little birds circled in the trees. The trees whispered and chuckled as we walked under them. Everything smelled like flowers and the homemade sage cologne I sprayed on my neck that morning. I know He-Man had something important to tell me because he was as quiet as the eye of the storm.
“What’s going on, He-Man?” asked I.
“The Evil Queen Magnificent is at it again,” he grumbled.
“Evil queen Magnificent!” raged I. “She killed my nephew!”
“She did,” he said. “And she’s back! That’s why you need to take this sword and defeat her! She’s kidnapped a lot of people to work as slaves and you need to save them!”
“I’ll do my best,” I growled. I took the sword and swung it. I killed a bird. It dropped dead at my feet. “Where should I go first?”
“You have to go to Nevada,” he said. “She’s took over the Ponderosa and has the Cartwrights hostage. You need to save them. But first,” he took off his magical pendant. It was blood-red, “you need this. You push a button and it will send you back here, to Fantastical Land, in case things get too rough.” He put it over my head. “You can also communicate with me,” he told me. “I’ll tell you what to do when you save Ben Cartwright and his sons.”
I pushed the button. A portal appeared.
“Go forth, brave soldier!” He-Man called.
I disappeared into the portal.
~
Hearts in Nevada
So I found myself at The Ponderosa. What a strange land! There are sure a lot of trees and stuff!
Then...I found the Evil Queen Magnificent! She had all four of the Cartwright men in a corral, tied up and left to bake in the hot, hot, hot, hot sun! What an evil bitch!
"Queen Magnificent! You are horrible! How can you treat Ben, Hoss, and Little Joe like this?" Adam is a pompous ass who has commie views, so he could drown in a horse trough for all I cared.
"Because I can!" she screeched.
"No, you can't!"
"Oh, yes I can and I will!"
I withdrew my sword. "Prepare to die, Bitch!"
She screamed and disappeared into thin air.
I freed the Cartwright boys. I would have left Adam tied up, but Hoss freed him. So I was left staring at the four men.
"Thanks for saving us!" Little Joe said. "She was going to eat us for lunch and over a spitfire, but you saved us! You're a real hero!"
"I'm gonna have Hop Sing make you a big dinner," Hoss said.
"And you're allowed to stay here as long as you want," Ben completed.
"Oh boy! Ponderosa Party Time!" I clapped my hands.
I saw a light appear on the horizon. I figured it must be He-man come to tell me what to do next.
"Excuse me, guys, but I gotta go take a leak behind the barn. Is that okay?" I asked.
"Certainly!" Hoss said. "You're a hero, after all."
So I went behind the barn where He-man was standing.
"You're a real hero, Asher Sagerock. You saved the Cartwrights from the Evil Queen Magnificent!"
"I certainly did," I squawked. "Now what do I do?" I asked sagely.
"I want you to go to Riverdale and save Archie Andrews. Queen Magnificent struck there and Archie needs your help! Are you up to the task?" He smiled like a movie star. His teeth even twinkled.
"Yes," I said.
"Set to!"
I pushed the button and another portal appeared.
